building kite plan

Well since it seems i am running out of people that i feel that i can actually trust and talk to, i might as well be like everyone else and just post my thoughts here and keep this away from everyone that i know of.
i am just sick of having to put on an act in front of everyone that i know.
so what better way than to let down the mask than here since i dont have to care what anyone says or thinks about me.
i am just sick of pretending...
i am not happy.
i am miserable.
thoughts of death and ending it all are always racing though my mind and with everyday that passes, i think why the hell not.
i am a suicidal person by nature.
yeah...
this has to sound beyond emo but i dont give a fuck.
a little over 3 years ago i started going out with this beyond amazing guy.
everything that i could have ever wanted that was him.
sweet, kind, loving, caring, charming, smart, funny, dorky...
he was the closest i will ever find to my perfect guy.
sure he has his fawls, but what human doesnt?
i have had to deal with so much shit since i choice to be with someone i met on myspace.
i dont want to hear anything about that.
people use online dating services to met people, like e-harmony, so why not myspace or something like that?
other than the fact that he was never physically here, i never felt closer to any other human being on earth.
i never plan for this to happen though.
i never planed to fall so in love with someone.
my own mother thinks that i am a cold hearted angry person.
people call me an ice queen and a cold bitch.
i had to become that type of person because i was the person that everyone in high school thought that it would be great to make their life a living hell.
my parents couldnt sleep at night and would come into my room to make sure that i hadnt run away or that i was still alive.
there was so many times i thought about hanging myself from the tree in front of my high school, with a sign around my neck that had every single person who made live unbearable for me and at the very end say something like "you are the reason this happened."
i thought that i would be so important for all of the fuckers to know exactly why since everyone always asks why someone kills themselves.
of course it amuses me in a morbid way since the people who ask that are usually the part of the problem.
okay...
i am just rambling...

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