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Well since it seems i am running out of people that i feel that i can actually trust and talk to, i might as well be like everyone else and just post my thoughts here and keep this away from everyone that i know of.
i am just sick of having to put on an act in front of everyone that i know.
so what better way than to let down the mask than here since i dont have to care what anyone says or thinks about me.
i am just sick of pretending...
i am not happy.
i am miserable.
thoughts of death and ending it all are always racing though my mind and with everyday that passes, i think why the hell not.
i am a suicidal person by nature.
yeah...
this has to sound beyond emo but i dont give a fuck.
a little over 3 years ago i started going out with this beyond amazing guy.
everything that i could have ever wanted that was him.
sweet, kind, loving, caring, charming, smart, funny, dorky...
he was the closest i will ever find to my perfect guy.
sure he has his fawls, but what human doesnt?
i have had to deal with so much shit since i choice to be with someone i met on myspace.
i dont want to hear anything about that.
people use online dating services to met people, like e-harmony, so why not myspace or something like that?
other than the fact that he was never physically here, i never felt closer to any other human being on earth.
i never plan for this to happen though.
i never planed to fall so in love with someone.
my own mother thinks that i am a cold hearted angry person.
people call me an ice queen and a cold bitch.
i had to become that type of person because i was the person that everyone in high school thought that it would be great to make their life a living hell.
my parents couldnt sleep at night and would come into my room to make sure that i hadnt run away or that i was still alive.
there was so many times i thought about hanging myself from the tree in front of my high school, with a sign around my neck that had every single person who made live unbearable for me and at the very end say something like "you are the reason this happened."
i thought that i would be so important for all of the fuckers to know exactly why since everyone always asks why someone kills themselves.
of course it amuses me in a morbid way since the people who ask that are usually the part of the problem.
okay...
i am just rambling...

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daily sun yuma

Iapos;m getting pretty depressed.

This new patch has seen my main, a lockie nerfed beyond belief. So much so that Iapos;ve been logging into my priest to play and avoiding lockie like crazy- I wouldapos;ve gone made with frustration.

I have been testing out various specs- deep affliction, felguard raiding, and fire destro- Spent hours in front of the practice targets at silvermoon city, and the dps. Stinks.

Iapos;ve been trying hard to find apos;the wayapos; to get right back on track. But recount doesnapos;t lie.

Sure, itapos;s no longer one button spams. Thereapos;s now, a whole lot more spell rotations. But even so, after getting used to the spell rotations, the dps meters donapos;t measure up to what my lock was capable of doing pre-patch.

Total bummer. Bordering on tears with frustration.

What use are locks if we donapos;t dps well. We canapos;t tank. We canapos;t freaking heal. Why nerf us beyond belief.

To those pre-3.0.2 lock haters. I guess youapos;re happy you got what you wanted.

Iapos;m just. Not. Entirely. Pleased at this point in time.

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So ive been doen a lot of house hunting lately. its annoying the shit outa me. It seems that it has been left up to me to do everything. when i ask for help i have to crack the shits to actually get some.. Even then its only for a week or so.
seriously, i better not be one of those girlfriends who end up doen everything for their lazy ass fucking cunt faced boyfriend.
even my mate, who were moving in with, isnt helping. I thought that considering i was doen the looking, calling, inspecting, filling out of applications AND taking them in -or in other words EVERYTHING- i thought that heapos;d at least come over sign the fucking forms. Apparently not. It was assumed that i would be goen to his to get them done.
is it too much to ask that after everything else ive been doen [including all my normal life events also] that he just come sign a fucking form
it seems that my expectations are way too high.
now im left wondering if this is gonna reflect how everythings gonna be when we move in together. I already seem to be doen everything, ie cleaning etc. Now, im not doen that for another person also.

i will be standing my ground. This is not going to happen. Im not allowing it.

i am a person, a friend a gf. Treat me as such. I do not get paid to do this crap, therefore pull your own weight.



in other news, Ds brothers wedding is comen up.. Its in the middle of nowhere, 3 hours away on a sunday evening at 5pm. Its over cup weekend, which ive only just worked out is on tuesday, which means that were all expected to take the monday off work also. Which for normal people who are not making 70k a year means that we just lost a days pay. Which honestly, atm i cannot afford.
D is the best man which means that hes required to be there for the whole event. However, im possibly now not goen as i have to work monday. But this makes me feel really bad for him coz its a big event i wanna be there with him. I mean, when he gets his pic taken hell be alone, like best man but without a gf. It makes me feel really bad.
but if i cant make it i cant make it right?

but really.. Who actually has a wedding hours away on a sunday evening? yuppies. Answered my own question..
it would be a horrible weekend to spend all four days with them. Im not sure what im goen to do yet. I dont wanna go simply coz its yuppie snobs to protest that its a huge fucking inconvience, but really in the end the only person that would notice i wasnt there would be D. i dont really wanna let him down.. But i also cant get a straight answer outa him atm.
perhaps ill try again tomorra or tonight. Either way, it needs to be worked out.


the new acdc album seems to be.. Not as good as anticipated.

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So youapos;re seeing someone in a band. Youapos;re seeing them very casually, and itapos;s very early on. You happen to discover (through means other than the person youapos;re seeing) that his/her band is playing at a local bar, and youapos;re free to go that night. Youapos;ve not been invited, and it hasnapos;t been mentioned to you.

According to me, it would be creepy for you to show up at the gig, since you didnapos;t find out through the person youapos;re seeing, and it would therefore seem like youapos;re stalking them. My roommate feels that you should totally go because you have every right to be at a bar if you want to, whether youapos;ve been invited or not.

What do you guys think?

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camber spc

Iapos;ve started eating tomatoes.

Ever since I could remember, I have always hated this confused food. Somewhere between fruit and vegetable, I always found they had a sweet metallic taste, something from which their apealing colour could not save them from. They bruise too easily, and�if you throw them against a wall, they bleed�with an eerily distiction.�
All my friends agreed upon this unified hatred of tomatoes, and they would�always be left on our�otherwise empty plates at restaurants. This�probably�caused a curiosity for many servers. I�wonder what�my friends would say if they knew of my betrayal. Have I crossed over to the other side?�Or have a just smartened up?
Maybe Iapos;m just entering a tomato period of my life, and the food will just be another fad I will tolerate for a while longer.
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